Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
