this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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