I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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