Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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