I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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