I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's rum buckets o'clock
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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