she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
