when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You need Xanax blowdarts
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
