Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
