i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
