if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
