i need an iv and a liver transplant
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
