I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
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ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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