she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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