I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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