There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
