but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
