rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
