After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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