Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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