You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
