things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
