You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
