I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
