So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
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I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it