Texts From Last Night

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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

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  (775): I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again. http://tfl.nu/wdl0
  Replies (10) Good night (1807) Bad night (551)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..

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  (313): I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together.. (313): I can't decide if I actually want to know or not.. http://tfl.nu/mkwc
  Replies (18) Good night (961) Bad night (4583)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup

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  (508): i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup http://tfl.nu/58kh
  Replies (11) Good night (1086) Bad night (4432)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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  (843): the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place http://tfl.nu/6i8c
  Replies (16) Good night (5869) Bad night (868)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Wow. Its not even 11am.

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  (973): Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house. (1-973): Wow. Its not even 11am. http://tfl.nu/p3yd
  Replies (3) Good night (3104) Bad night (1084)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.

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  (570): Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger. http://tfl.nu/xwib
  Replies (33) Good night (1631) Bad night (3608)
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  (707): View more from California

  I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.

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  (707): I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard. http://tfl.nu/m0o4
  Replies (3) Good night (1645) Bad night (953)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.

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  (802): If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care. http://tfl.nu/zmsa
  Replies (11) Good night (1105) Bad night (1891)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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  (225): Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here http://tfl.nu/v34u
  Replies (2) Good night (1738) Bad night (616)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

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  (417): What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now. http://tfl.nu/j4tm
  Replies (9) Good night (659) Bad night (1314)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy

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  (304): i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy http://tfl.nu/mdww
  Replies (7) Good night (480) Bad night (715)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.

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  (705): The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me. http://tfl.nu/d1xs
  Replies (4) Good night (937) Bad night (368)
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea

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  (269): So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea http://tfl.nu/13gp
  Replies (5) Good night (586) Bad night (1618)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.

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  (+44): We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever. http://tfl.nu/yqo8
  Replies (3) Good night (878) Bad night (308)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  Happy birthday, America.

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  (913): Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there. (1-913): Happy birthday, America. http://tfl.nu/2w6l
  Replies (3) Good night (651) Bad night (202)

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