4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
