You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
