i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
