The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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