just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
