I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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