after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
