Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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