I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
