i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
