The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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