Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
