I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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