if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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