apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Shame - the story of my life.
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