what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Who died my cat blue again?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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