i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
