Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
