ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
