You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
