There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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