Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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