Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
