just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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