In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
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We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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