Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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