Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
