I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
