just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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