Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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