FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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