I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
