white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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