He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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