@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
